The Legacy of Birth

It was a normal prenatal visit late in pregnancy. It was that time in pregnancy when we talk about where she 'is' emotionally, in preparation for her upcoming birth. This particular client is pregnant with her second child. We have talked about her history before, but I know that as pregnancy progresses, so does our perception of a number of things. Her last birth did not go as she had hoped. In light of this, I wanted to explore her feelings and emotions with her to see if there were any areas that we can be aware of as we approach the end. We discuss her vision for her upcoming birth and she states that she hopes that she will be able to deliver her baby outside of the hospital, but fears that she will have to transfer. I am incredulous; before me sits a young, healthy woman having a normal pregnancy. She is strong and intelligent. She has taken care of herself all the way through her pregnancy. She has done everything “right”. Yet, she is riddled with anxiety over being prevented from giving birth without the need for intervention. Why? After further discussion, it comes to light that she has a family birth 'legacy', a legacy that has affected her mother and sisters.

A lot of us have birth legacies. We hear that, “None of the Smith women can have vaginal births because we have tiny pelvises”, or that, “Just like my mother, my water never breaks on its own”, and many, many other myriad of legacies that never cease to puzzle and amaze me, as a midwife. Sure, there are times when family history plays a very important role in prenatal care. There might be an indication for further testing for genetic conditions, or rare physical defects, but almost never will we need to give up any hope of a normal birth because our mother, aunt, cousin, sister, and so on did not have one.

What struck me the most about this conversation was that though these legacies are most often presented without any credible scientific evidence, they are powerful enough to strike terror in the heart of a woman who is otherwise rational and intelligent and who did all her research prior to to choosing a midwife for out of hospital birth. Despite the lack of evidence to support them, she embraces the unfounded theory readily. In my opinion, this is because pregnancy and motherhood makes us vulnerable. In every other aspect of our lives we might be in charge and in control, but in this, we are vulnerable. We think we know what to do. We find a provider that we trust to help us in pregnancy. We eat right, we exercise, and we take classes.  However, we don’t know exactly how to negate negative messages, or to find strength in what all seems like theory. We don’t know have to have faith in our bodies because we don’t know what that means and we don’t know what to do with the legacies.

I was told that I wasn’t athletic from a very, very young age. Why?  My mother wasn’t athletic and her mother before her, and her mother before her. At some point, it all stopped being individual and became a legacy. This legacy was so strong that believe it caused me to be clumsy and awkward while attempting sports. I loved being outside, I loved to play. Yet, there I was; one of the kids who was chosen last for the team. It wasn't until later in life when I started challenging the theories, of my own personal legacy, that I decided to give athleticism a try. I found out that, though I would never make it to the Olympics, I was ‘pretty okay’ while performing a lot of activities. In fact, I can’t imagine life without being active anymore. I am sorry that I didn’t take advantage of my youth to enjoy sports. I have learned that in reality, I didn’t lack athletic ability as much as I lacked confidence. It is much the same in birth. I see women who have done everything right; yet, they believe that they failed on some level because they didn’t do it the way they expected to (even though they might have had unrealistic expectations). I see women who never really try to have a normal birth because they expect to fail. I see women who want so badly to have normal, but feel that they are ill equipped because of legacy.

So, what is the answer? How does one sort through powerful negative messages? I asked my client this question and I thought her answer was profound. She said, (and I paraphrase) “We have to first recognize that they are negative messages." This is the absolute truth. Seeing something for what it is truly makes it lose its power over us. When we look at a negative legacy up and down and call it out for being just that: a negative legacy, it no longer has a claim on us. We realize that our story is our story. Birth does not have to be predestined any more than athletic ability. Some of us are rare and wonderful in our ability to overcome. Some of us are gems who will surprise everyone. Some of us no longer believe in the lies that women have been told for centuries about our bodies.  

Let me tell you what I have learned about birth: Waters will break when they are good and ready to (maybe not until after the baby is born). Babies will come when they are good and ready to. Women who are tiny will give birth easily to big babies. You will have all the tools you need to give birth to your baby.

I speak in strongly because this truth is more probable than improbable. This is my challenge to you: start a new legacy. Start a legacy in which your daughters and granddaughters will never question their body’s ability to give birth. Start a legacy in which they will never question their body’s ability to signal the need for intervention. Start a legacy where we, as women, believe that each woman, baby, labor, etc. is individual. These are the birth legacies we need and with them we can gradually replace all the many ways that we have been lied to about the strength and ability of our bodies. This will never mean that every birth will go as we hope, but it will definitely mean that each pregancy brings with it opportunity rather than limitation. I am so hopeful, that I write this before I know the end of my client's story. I believe in her body. I believe that she has the tools that she needs to have the ending that she wants. I also believe that if it does not go as planned that it will not be because of her negative legacy, it will be the example of the perfect way that our bodies signal their need for assistance and that in the very intelligent and wonderful way that she knew to surround herself with people who would listen and believe in those signals and would act accordingly. The truth is that we need to make our legacies be the gift that the true definition of the word requires. Gifts should never be negative. Legacies should be strong and empowering. Choose to give birth in a way that honors your predecessors, but defines your own legacy. You and your baby deserve to have your own story and I can't wait to hear it.