Knowing what you don't know...

It comes up all the time in conversations about homebirth midwifery. The "what-ifs". "What if you have a complication?" "What if you need to transfer". Sometimes the answers are quite simple, like "No, a cord around the neck isn't automatically an emergency...it happens a lot in normal birth." Sometimes it is this hard to explain phenomenon of knowing what you don't know.

When you are blessed enough to witness women giving birth normally and get exposed to all the normal variations which occur in birth, you become quite comfortable with normal. The vast majority of homebirth midwives do not hesitate for a second to transfer someone who develops an obviously serious complication or who do not quickly resolve with a complication that is troubling. There is no desire to try to treat what is a medical issue at home...because we are not medical practitioners. We know our limitations and concede that when birth becomes a medical issue that a hospital is the best place for a woman to be.

Sometimes, knowing what you don't know comes up in other less obvious ways. A midwife may have a client who has social, emotional, or physical issues that the midwife may have no ability to understand. We may do our best to try to find a way to relate to this woman, but we may find that the best way to support her is to empathize without knowing. It is okay not to know what to say. It is okay to say "teach me".

I had a great compliment from the mother of a client recently. She thanked me for sharing a less than flattering fact about myself. She said that when she met me she had automatically put me on a pedestal because I was a midwife. She assumed I had to be practically perfect (my own Mary Poppins version of her words). She said that because I was willing to share my imperfections I suddenly became more human but no less special. I am not afraid to be human to my clients. I am not afraid to admit when I don't know. I am also not afraid to be off the pedestal and back down to servant status where I belong.

I realize that I don't know a LOT. When I know everything it will be time for me to retire...I have heard this and I believe it to be true. So, I keep on plugging.

Islands in the Stream

I have been singing this song for weeks, every since I heard it playing in the bathroom at Cracker Barrel when I was there having breakfast with my kids. It is a magic combination of Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton singing the lyrics of the Gibb brothers (Bee Gees). It was a favorite song of mine from childhood. I was 9 or 10 and it spoke to me. The truth is, it still does. Especially the part that says "No more will you cry, Baby I will hurt you never, we start and end as one, in love forever" Very simple, yet encompasses so much. I can't help but relate it to pregnancy. We know the the mother/baby bond is strong and lasts a lifetime. In a perfect world, we would all be like islands in the stream, man, woman, and little baby islands who eventually break off and make their own islands.

Sadly, it is not always that simplistic. We have broken units...partners split, parents who abuse. We have mental and physical illness. Sometimes many of us have become our own little islands, nobody sailing away with us to another world. Some of us are surrounded by islands and but feel that we have nobody to teether ourselves to.

Good news,  we have legs and can walk...we can leave our locations and move. It is never too late to change our circumstances. I sometimes have women call to hire me who are ready to give birth at any moment. They are listening to their inner voice telling them that the the lack of satisfaction they feel with their current plans for birth is more than just a whim. It is more than just desire for an experience. It is a need deep within them that they can't ignore. I love these brave women. They do what I didn't always do when I was pregnant. They listen to that voice and respond. Amazingly, they find doors open for them. Location is just location. We can survive a bad birth or a c-section. Sometimes it isn't even a bad experience, it is just wasn't "right".  Our desire for better than that is not selfish or petty. When we listen to the primal woman inside us, the one we were designed to be we aren't lying to ourselves anymore.

Women are very good at creating community. The birth community often amazes me. So many of us broke away and anchored our islands to another who would understand and support us and just "get it". It is so incredible to see women from all different backgrounds and belief systems share a commonality with each other. We can be hard on each other for sure. People who are brave enough to drag their islands upstream are not always mild mannered! Still, when you share that community you have to be amazed that in this crazy world such a thing exists.

As we create these communities, we find better examples of families too. Women who anchor their babies to themselves, breastfeeding, co-sleeping...questioning the the status quo. I see families being lifted and supported by other families...imperfectly, but supported nevertheless.

Sail away with me...to another world....and we rely on each other ah ha