Inspiration and dedication

A little timeline about me and why I am a midwife...might be a little frank and TMI. You were warned:


1991:

I gave birth to my first child at the age of 17 in an old school hospital, even for 1991, complete with a shave prep and enema. I was "treated" to an epidural. My sweet daughter was born healthy, full-term, vigorous. I was "allowed" to kiss her head as she was taken to the nursery for 8 full hours. We struggled with breastfeeding and eventually switched to formula. It wasn't traumatic, but it sucked. I  remember that I had a lovely, devoted nurse who sat silently next to me and who was my favorite person in the world during those hours.

1993:
I gave birth to my son with my friend sitting next to me, I learned about the benefits of a supportive presence at birth. It was better. All the other stuff? Just about as bad, but this time, nobody was allowed to take my baby anywhere and we nursed for 11 months.

1995:
I learned about midwives from a friend. I planned a homebirth. I paid for most it with cash from our tax return and the rest in payments. My daughter was born at home. It was great, but the best part was just being left alone after the birth was completed. I didn't have an orgasmic birth,  just respectful one. I also learned that I was meant to be a midwife because I wanted to be something like the midwife who just swaddled my baby in a receiving blanket and then sealed her in with masking tape. Not now, you know. I had babies to raise and no family around to help. A husband who doesn't want me to work or go to school. It was not a priority for me to do anything other than raise kids. I would just be a LaLeche Leader and help women to breastfeed. Then, I might also go ahead and become a doula since I was pretty good at being there for other people. I would also buy a LOT of books about birth, breastfeeding, including midwifery texts. I would read them all over and over while nursing the babies to come. P.S. I also learned about how NOT to take birth photos. 

1997:
I learned that I could have a baby well pretty much anywhere if I chill and relax my body. He was born in a military hospital because I couldn't scrape the money together for a homebirth this time. It was my most comfortable birth and I more at ease with my body. This is when I learned to ask other people for help when I needed it, but also that I do better when I do some things on my own. 

1999: 

I learned that I could get through a really crappy birth while signing Fleetwood Mac and The Pretender's songs very loudly ( and anyone who knows me and my music tastes knows that I go through phases). I learned that singing while doing pelvic rotations and leaning over the back of a hospital bed was an even better. This was necessary while I dealt with "back labor". I went through several shifts of hospital staff and was most grateful for my last nurse who sat behind me and gave me counter pressure on my lower back while I rotated those hips once more on a birth ball. She also pretended to believe me when I said that I had to poop and that, "no, it's not the baby". I was very grateful for that trip to the bathroom alone to discover a baby head almost on my perineum. It was oddly empowering after a long labor.

2001:

So, you thought that #5 sucked? Well, let me tell you about my hardest one. Or, maybe not. It isn't necessary. Just suffice it to say that I still to this day believe that I should have had a c-section. I believe it was poorly managed at best and traumatic for sure.  I don't remember a single provider or nurse from this birth with any kind of fondness.

2004: 

On the heels of that last birth, I gave up my belief in my body. I wanted pain relief. I didn't want a natural birth. I didn't want to go through any of that ever again. Thankfully, a very smart CNM didn't buy that line from me at all. She encouraged me to at least give it a shot. I did. It was uneventful, but there was a very funny Stadol element to it that still makes me laugh and also makes me sad because I don't remember much else. It could have been a much more empowering experience and that is still a little sad for me. It is also the birth that makes me understand a lot of my clients and how our previous births shape us. It is humbling, but it is also just what it is and I did it. I also learned that it was okay to choose my health over breastfeeding this time (I needed to stay on a medication to treat an active autoimmune disease). I learned to use breastfeeding behaviors and to love without guilt. I learned to delegate to my older kids a little and as a result, was able to really enjoy a baby for the first time since 1991.

2005:
I went through an early miscarriage and quickly got pregnant again. Then, I gave birth to my last child. She was stillborn. I kissed her tiny head and sang to her and handed her over. I was so sick following that I couldn't celebrate her life. I had five surgeries within a year. I learned all about anxiety and panic attacks. I lost my sense of safety. I lost my ability to bounce back from little things. I lost a little bit of myself. I threw out all of my dog-eared midwifery textbooks that I had been reading for 10 years. I didn't want to go to births anymore because I was afraid to bring my baggage into the room. I remember my obstetrician crying at my bedside and my CNM offering support. I remember the awkward hospital residents who stepped in when it all happened too fast. I remember the nurses who did little things they didn't have to do.

2008: 

My friend needed me. She needed a doula. I was afraid, but my fears didn't matter as much as her need and in realizing that, my perspective changed. I got excited. I researched all over again. Why not get certified? I had never done that. Why not just start the process of becoming a midwife? Okay! I can do this. Is this okay? Is it okay for me to take this step? What about my kids? Is this selfish? Yes, according to a lot of people it was very selfish. It was also a choice that would ultimately end my marriage and that was a big deal. In truth, I made a conscious choice to do something that could ultimately end my marriage. Why? Because I chose to survive and in that marriage I would have never survived. 

Holy crap....I never looked back and nothing was stopping me now. I made mistakes. I made sacrifices. I worked hard. I met a ton of people. I remember the preceptors who helped me along the way. I remember the other midwives who took an interest in me. I remember the fellow students who came along with me. I remember the families who let me learn from them. 

2011:

I did it. I'm a midwife. I'm humbled all over again. I did it. I remember all the people I learned from. I realize that it is time to do what I learned first with being a LLL leader...take what resonates and leave the rest. It is time to be the midwife who I am. It is just beginning all over again. The future was full of good stuff and some really horrible stuff. The midwifery part? It is good. It was the best choice I ever made. I believe that we know when we are meant to be something and that a calling should never be ignored no matter what the sacrifice (as lofty as that sounds). Another big lesson that I learned was that my personal experience, even with 9 pregnancies and 13 years of constantly being pregnant or breastfeeding, was not as significant as the experience of the woman sitting before me. I learned to empathize, but not to know. It might seem like a grey area, but it is an important distinction. It is about believing in the woman and her experience. I remember when I learned to trust women. 

to be continued....